Union with my God

The room echoed with the most beautiful and lilting voice, and my senses became to frail to resist it.
I just went inside and and to my unconscious self my body began to communicate with the soothing voice and the music in the background rose just then I felt a jolt as if someone just pulled me and clasped me tight. I felt a touch, someone trailed its fingers on my arms and just then the music was at its crescendo. I evolved with every beat and to that presence I had completely surrendered myself to him. I was in a different world. And as the wind blew I felt his breath against my neck and I was aroused. I embraced it tight and with the music i moved with him. We swayed in happiness and danced gay abandoned. Suddenly he let me free and I was like a carefree teenager exploring the woods. The woods were dense and air of rejuvenation wafted it. Then came a meadow where I see him again with his hands wide open welcoming me I ran and he lifted me. Against the gravity I was, like an amateur dancer I glided over his shoulder and suddenly he overpowered me. But this was the first time I was enjoying my defeat. He was all over me... And just the time we were about to get one I felt so complete... We were in sync, we were together. The bliss achieved was unsurpassed. The most contended smile suffused my face. I so desperately wished the time to freeze and I could hold this moment forever. Like a greedy child I wanted more and more of it. I was so away from temptations and materialism yet so close to it. I was thrilled when I heard the same music again and he was too wiling to make me experience the beyond.
And that very instance I heard a thud and it was pitch dark. And to my surprise I realize that the session is over and I'm back to class. This is the bliss of dance and I achieved multiple orgasms in that dance session and enjoyed my womanhood. It was my intercourse of soul with my passion. I'm still not over it my knees shiver still and my heart longs for it even more.

After eons of my existence in this world I'm accepting few deniable bitter facts of life... It hurts me to the core and my soul bleeds every time I'm reminded of it.
You come alone in this petty world and die alone. You were just a mass of flesh which was given a shape just like a potter giving shape to its terracotta vessels... and you you go in the same... Former people rejoiced your life and latter they grief it.
Its in this world we build relations. We have friends, family and foes all kins and acquaintances are just a typical criteria to be a part of the world and hunger of a homo sapien to be called a social animal. Among so many animals I saw and know its only the humans who are the most hungry of all be it power, position, status. Lust and libido comes handy... He wants it all by hook or by crook...
Through words or swords a duel or an ambush...
cheat and deceit are the new accessories he adorns.
And this so called impressive pseudo aura around oneself just to trap your favorite muse for you own vested interest and stab it till that muse has lost all his charm and is no less but a zombie, emotions killed, aspiration buried, vision hollowed and a crushed heart...
GOSH!!! How gory the sight is I can bare no more.
Only to fulfill and quench the thirst of power, position and...
But in this arena where we fight like fanatic soldiers we forget that in the end "Moksha" will triumph and place where none of the worldly pleasures are allowed. Then why do we indulge in this mortal combat because ultimately where all and sundry will proceed is a place where you will just be hailed as a dead soul. You will not be ranked by your past worldly laurels. A ill-clad beggar and a rich will be sharing the same place.
I envy the hermit I saw the other day he was so free no worry no tension occupied him...I envy his vision he was not tied to the world with realtions and social nity grities. I wonder how happily will he leave the world with nothing to brood over, none to regret, nothing undone. And he will attain the ultimate eternal peace just with his doings"karmas" which he did alone and for himself.
I envy the lions cub who was tamed by its mother to live alone bare the loneliness of a friendless life will never bug him. He will never feel too vulnerable as the father lion was never there to protect him.
I at times feel so scared of loosing my possessions not the ones which I bought but my F.R.I.E.N.D.S, my family, varios other ties my proximties with people. My memories of hugging my friends for the first time are still freash.
My first kiss to my love, my first embrace to my mom... My first handshake, my first dance are so fresh in my mind...
How can I let it go?
How will I forget them?
And this is the reason I fear to go
death is not as inviting as this world is yet...

WOMEN'S DAY!!!

Happy Women's Day
I see newspapers flooded with articles, visuals, features celebrating women. I tuned into radio just to listen to the same scenario. Television following the suite. Being from venus myself and a woman by genes and chromosomal configurations...I believe a day is just not enough to celebrate and praise...nothing can fill up for the eons of injustice, brutality, drudgery to the fairer sex. Going through the pages of "The Times Of India" The entire copy is full of leading female personality from Shobha De to Vandana Luthra. But somehow I can't forget the recent rapes that 'she' suffered, 'she' was beaten in pubs, 'she' was kidnapped, murdered, abused, assualted...the memories vividly etch in my mind when 'she' was beaten and brunt alive for dowry. I remember times when 'she' was hassarred and molested in public and nudged on roadside. I recall times when newspapers were thronged with aashiana rape case series. I remember Jessica Lal, Meher Bhargava, Arushi and so many many other. The entire scandal of female infanticide and female feotusicide flashed upon my inward eye. And today 8th March all talk to great women and their acheivements and their equality with men...Today the monopolist bearers of womb are praised to bring life in the world in the form of a child. But that very womb is cursed and abused when a womb bornes a baby girl. One day is not enough to celebrate her...A day is not enough to fist all what has she done in the world. 'She' is a celebration of a life time. Cherish her. And make each day a WOMEN'S DAY!!!

I thought I have moved on...It was all so superfical, But I'm still there too lame and weak.
I feel too crippled and trampled to walk ahead.

After almost 14 years finally my school life has ended. And it has made me a woman enough to face the real world(ironical for I feel I'm still not ready for it) This august 2008 I began my college not very happy since I had different plans for myself but I was ready to move on(how superfical).
Since then its been 8 months and life life has been a accepted struggle...More than college I spent time in auto just going to college and coming back. Its just me and that small dingy auto and the driver and everyday I have to share it with others who hire the auto just like me (bliss of being born in a middle class family) My life is about how unwillingly I have to date that auto driver and ladies and not so gentlemen rugged guys. Dust and pollution accompany me wherever I go and like a mum spectator I sit in one corner and see the world around me moving...That 25 minutes of journey everyday is the most integral part of my life.
I see a lot and hear alot I observe how people work to make a living rikshaw pullers, buses a total hustle bustle. The whole picture was unbearable when I saw a young women poverty stricken ill clad was feeding a mal nourished children on the road side. It hurts me to see the plight of children who are supposedly said to be as the future of India. At every forway people get off and get on the auto from dismayed labourers to young men with CV's in hand and dreams in eyes sit beside me only to find a job in this recession stricken nation. The most striking feature is that how willing we are ready to share our space with a stranger. All sit quite, not bothered about each other the destination is the sole aim.
I see slew of cars and bikes past by my auto(its not the possession of auto I'm talking about) and how a newly wed couple on the same auto looks at it the eyes show the inpisration and aspiration to have it. I see a dream in their eyes a desire to possess a better future which (thanks to globalization and our consumeristic nature) comes from all the materialistic stuff in the world.
My collegues or fellowmen( the people who share auto with me) come in various moods I see joy, love , hatred, rejection, acceptance, dejection. All of it the ride is a whirlpool of emotions. Its all about pace and how our lives are connected to them.
"AND YOU PEOPLE TALK ABOUT LIFE IN A METRO"

A Road to Nowhere

The journey called life has just begin, it was today that I am finally ready to embark upon this not so beautiful journey. My bubble of whims and fancies had been pricked and and is gone leaving to nude to the ruthless and cold world. The adventures of life had begun.
I like an amateur juggler try to catch every move that ball of treachery and fakeness make, but in vain the perils of it are too new for me. My first glimpse of this world is a hallway followed by a two way staircase... I see the two ends one going to Saint Peter's in heaven and the other is Satan's territory in hell.
The hallway is most aesthetically interiored and beautiful aroma wafts in the air. I see people most beautiful and suave. The ambiance is so pure a soft smile has suffused my face and I like a robin has a swollen bossom stand in the middle of the hall.
The people welcomed me with open arms made me feel desirous and wanted. As my gumption of friendship is too pure and is a means of livelihood, I felt so contended and satisfied. What more can I ask for? There was harmony and peace, rapport that none had seen camaraderie that none had ever felt.
I met people good and great. With great knowledge, enlightened and illuminated.
I was a dream come true...We worked all day and night, shared philosophies and various school of thought. I was so elated to find a world outside my world, a home within a home. I was not nude anymore people wrapped themselves around me but I still wasn't ripe. I was waiting for my own skin. I was so engrossed learning and witnessing new things that never made me think otherwise.
But as time was passing so were others and as we all know a change is constant and suddenly i felt a change... The hallway is no more beautifully interiored instead of flowers and garland it is covered with wreaths and weeds. The aroma is gone a dirty stench fills the place. The people are not amiable anymore, the calmness and tranquility void. The mirror of deception is shattered as they all unmask themselves only to make me see their sly eyes and cunning moves, there treacherous smile and their fake personality.
The moment I realized that I was in a wrong territory I felt a hard blow on my back excruciating pain made me numb and its too late to recover the harm is done and the bird is killed. My wings were clipped and trampled. I was a little awake only to see the broad and victorious smile on their face. The hallway no more exists its just a dense forest with dried trees and deadly and poisonous weeds and creepers. I see no being around me not even rats I'm totally stranded and lost! My wounds are too fresh the blood is still wet, my bones are injured and spine broken.
I stand there with none around me my old friends are unaware and the new are not bothered. Only thing that makes me move on is hope and that ray of light which tells me that all is going to be alright.........With a lump in my throat and with a heavy heart I end it as a bad memory which will fade soon.

When I embarked upon this journey of blogging, my few of my favorites who viewed it announced it to be too dark and too negative. To some extent I agree to it. As I started it on a dark note but I was convinced that, there is no negative and positive when it comes to quenching ones soul. I was encouraged by few and discouraged by many...
Not that I should quit writing, but I should give up my panache of writing!
I was too adamant to find the folly behind it. And investigate the reason why my concepts were condemned(Its just poetic license I imply to use a word as strong as this).
I rummaged my mind and knocked my heart to find answers to it. You can call it my defense mechanism or just my refusal to change as of now...
I realized the most beautiful things we get are an outcome of the darkness...
It was the dark of barbarism that we got the light of knowledge.
It was the wrath of Ravan that we got Ram the 'Mariyada Purushottam'. It was the menace of Mahabharat that we have Bhagvat Geeta and lord Krishna. Making the Indian scriptures rare and most worthy.
Leaving aside the past scenario I found God's greatest creation 'Human' came from the womb of the mother which is dark inside...It is the darkness of night which gives us the broad daylight. Then why do people talk of heights when we can explore the deapths and both are measured in feets and inches.[;)] Then why do we always talk of Mt.Everest when we have the Marina trench as well.
I don't know how far I'm able to create an impact and help my readers understand what I feel about it. I choose the dark roads to tread and make my path towards light...And the quest continues!!!

Freaked

With my knees folded my hands wrapped around my knees. My face dug inside I refuse to see the world. I am too scared facing it... I hear screams I hear loud guffaws of people. Once I cried just to see no one comes to pacify you. Once I opened my hands for help only to find that they were crucified like Jesus.
My body is modeled in wax and clay I look gray and gaunter than ever. My eyes are just so dry...
I cry no more
I sing more
Just like dried water tears have made marks on my cheeks. I barely sulk, my Adam's apples is chocked and refuse to gulp in the pains of life. Suddenly I had the most blissful smile on my face. An instant tranquility caressed me. I was rejuvenated enough to see the world around me again. It was too late but it was a new beginning.
I saw the death approaching not like a black demon with a axe in hand. A beautiful lady in white drapes welcoming me with open arms. That very instance I heard a voice in me, it said,
" I come here not to detach you from the material world but have come to take you to the world of higher pleasures"
A warm smile suffused my face and my last breath only to leave my body cold and rigid.
I was soul without a body,
the essence of calmness and neutrality was achieved.
Suddenly I felt the imaginary cell of relations, repercussions and relativity vanished.
I was free
I flew high raced the clouds. Explored the skies, I was there limiting the limitless.
I had no fears, I had become as daring as a lion's cub and as untamed as its mane.
I swam with the dauntless tides and danced with the waves. I was as silent as the sea yet so restless and fickle as a mice.
I was as deep as the marina trench only to know the dark in me.
I never felt so invigorated and energized.
People prayed for my survival but I enjoy my departure.
Not in search of another soul and flesh bonding.
But to remain a vagabond and enjoy my soul"hood" without a life.

My "Candy"[Floss] Love

It was a May summer the sun was bright and was enjoying his dominance over all and sundry. He got a kick when he saw the animals running for shelter. And social animals sweating like a horse.
It was mid day hot and windy, the birds flew back to their nests. Dogs lay on the neighbor's wet grass with lolling tongues. Cows grazing the a parched land with scanty grass nearby. Tired crows sat on their backs and feasted on ticks and maggots. The cows were to lazy to mind. Dullness and the scorching heat engulfed all.
Except me...I was filled with anticipation and excitement. I felt an adrenal rush in my body, heart racing, beads of perspiration glistened on my forehead. Continuous walking made my legs pain. I sat on a hot iron bench my senses were so weakened right now. My heart and soul was focused just on her.
Finally the time has arrived and my most awaited gift came into this world. Ironically the mother died soon after she delivered. There were four of them only she survived.
At that time I was so overwhelmed that, I was oblivious to the sun, the heat, everything.
Its the first time I took her in my arms, the touch made an instant connection.
I looked into her eyes they were closed yet we made an instant affection.
Suddenly I felt something strange a feeling never felt! I brought her home knowing she would be unwanted and abandoned. I was determined to make her life normal like any other. I will fight back for her. Give her the best!
Now I know the feeling that I had when I took her in my arms that day. A mother was born in me. I felt like its a part of me and I can't let her go. First time my eyes welded with tears of happiness and rolled down my cheeks. The tear fell on her eyes and she opened her eyes after two weeks.
I was in an ecstasy of joy... She had the most beautiful eyes I ever saw. The most soulful which I have ever felt. My face was illumined with a smile and seeing at her demeanor I can tell that she was smiling back at me.
I saw a new world in her our rapport and camaraderie was beyond normal human understanding.
She was the most beautiful thing I ever saw...Big colirrium eyes. Fur as white as ice and as rich and rare as ivory. A ebony patch laced her neck like a cravat. I was floored by her gait. Her elegance and grace were worth marveling. The poise with which she carried herself was spellbinding. As time passed we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. I always wished that it remains as sunny as this and the clouds never engulf it.
Since then there was no looking back each the bonds grew stronger I loved her even more and she was insane about me. We played ran helter skelter. Always giving each other a chance to win. Oh! it was lovely and lively. I remember how she used to wait for me at the doorstep and greeted me with open arms and a twinkle in the eyes. She fathomed my every emotion every move. Nobody has been as understanding as she was.
She was the first to make me feel special when I felt dejected.
Invigourated me when I was completly exhausted.
Enlightened me when I was dark with negative thoughts.
Helped me cope when I had lost hopes.
Heard my voice even when I was mum.
I love her so much!
We liked similar kind of music as I swayed on them she simply wagged.
If I was right she was left! But we always met.
At night none speak I lay on my bed and she on my lap. Seeing the stars and talking to the moon we dozed off everyday. Life was so smooth and I was loving each day with her.
But it was yesterday I woke up in the morning only to find her dead. She did not move this time nor did she woke up early and teased me with her cold wet nose. She was gone forever never to come back again. I never felt so devastated and destroyed. I felt a wrenching pain as if someone ripped my heart. The mother in me was killed.
Today was her 8th birthday and she left us a day before.My most priced possession was gone. The journey with her was the most adventurous and enriching.
I know you will find this very funny and cynical but indeed its true...She was my pet, my dog CANDY.
I love you and I miss you are too trivial to express how this lose has affected me. None can heal it ever. None can take that place that you had in my life.
Oh! what days...I will cherish them always and relish the sweet memories etched in my heart. I love you so much. You are always in my thoughts so missing you is beyond question. My eyes are moist and hands are numb voice chokes just to think you are gone and dead!
The journey still continues but I have none to hold onto. None to look back to. None to wait for. But I know where ever you are,you are always with me.
The journey is the same but paths are different.

Lost Revival !

The room is as dark as ebony, the stench of dampness is so prominent. A wick less candle wax the floor. The windows are closed and the iron latches are rusted. Cobwebs lace the ceiling. Spiders consuming a trapped bat. The surroundings are so still and eerie I can hear the wind blow.
A mahogany bed eaten by termites and embraced by cobwebs lay in the center. Its so wobbly and hallow. I see a dark figure reclining on it, half dead... Its me !
I lay as cold as a corpse as dead as still water.
My voice was once raped
My expressions were molested.
My freedom cordoned
My soul whipped
I'm loosing my vision, how much I desire to enjoy the colors of life!
I'm almost a dumb spectator, how much I wish to sing the song of love.
I'm almost paralyzed, how much I want to dance and fly.
I'm so incapable of movement and I can only feel but my senses are fading.
I'm almost eaten and decayed, how much I wish to see the light of knowledge.
I can only feel the chills of wind on my face. Termites have started to consume me, spiders have found their new territory in me. But it does not pain much now. I feel so helpless.
Ah! The fire in my heart is dying, the warmth of desire is fading...I wait for the day when the room is illuminated with Love, Light, Warmth...
I have forgotten the skill of moving, my limbs are so rigid and bones have become brittle.
But life gives you a second chance and so was I given one. That day the doors opened light crept in. I saw figures around me barely able to recognize them. I could feel the warmth of smile. Love in their eyes.
Ironically I have become too cold. How much I wished to revive myself...I feel too weak, I have lost my sight completely. My vocal cords fail to hum. I am as cold as ice. The soul in me has escaped only the body lies. Alas! I'm dead and my soul wanders in search of contentment. No one even bothers about a corpse...who as living was related to so many people. I had no funeral, I was not cremated. I was consumed eaten and decomposed.
All that's there is 'The dark room' suffused with dampness!

voyage

It was just yesterday I just another human stepped in this world...
My mothers womb so secure, so protected My mother's hands were so warm so full of love and her eyes bestowed love and blessing on a child who was nothing more than a small mass of flesh no emotions no feelings attached all new to my surroundings trying to connect to them. It was so alien as inside I was it was just me and my Mom both talking to each other feeling each other and suddenly I have so many people around me. I see so many expressions in their eyes happiness, joy....so many!
And since that very day the cycle of COMPARISONS
started some saying "she is so like her mother" "I wish she was a boy it would have been better" And there was just one person in the room looking at me and her eyes said..."No matter what the world says I love you and accept you as you are, I promise to give you the best of all. I love you" That was my mother. Since that day I was blessed with the privilege to see the world, through my Mom's eyes I saw all of it. The sense of music and the sense on movement was first cultivated by her, I heard her saying things to me, singing lullabies to me. I saw her move and learnt grace and elegance.
Values and morals were given by her, She was my first teacher, my first school and my first friend. From a baby to a child I held her finger and learned to walk. There were times I made attempts to tread by myself and just a step I took and I was nose flat on the floor, she was always there to hold me and taught me the lesson of "Practice makes one perfect" so never give up! I learnt to reach my goals no matter how many failure and obstacles come my way. I learnt the lessons of life in my childhood and I practiced them in my early teens. And the time has now come to imply those to my life as now the time has come to leave my Mom's finger and walk alone with a hope that, if ever I fail or look back I will find her their with open arms to embrace me as I'm with all my failures or achievements. I will see the same love that I saw in her eyes 20 years back as new born.
Life was not easy without her, there was no one to guide me suddenly I realized that its on me now. There were times when temptations crept in, urges made me wander and misled me to path which were so cold and eerie inside but a glimpse of them were so beautiful. All luxurious and extravagant but as i loitered on those path something began to eat me from inside somebody was trying to suck the values and morals my mother gifted me once. I heard a voice shouting the road you are treading is wrong! It was my inner conscience telling me not because it should but because my mom's values were so deeply rooted so it was not able to stay mum for long.
I realized that I have been walking the road but trust me 'its human to err' But its almost close to impossible to change the roads now, that time I again saw the same tempting luxuries and my fantasy overlooking the darkness which will follow it. I was so appalled at my doing and thought my mother would be so upset and will chide me or even hate to say I'm her child. To my astonishment it was not as I expected she did reprimanded me but I saw the same love and concern in her eyes. But this time I promised her not to get influenced and reach my goals.
Life is beautiful! Yes indeed but it has its share of ugliness as life is all about opposites. And ironically I have lots of encounters with the ugly aspect of it, not denying the beauty that accompanied it. I was chosen to witness the stark reality of lives yet be calm and composed. The skill of camouflaging emotions was learnt by my mother.
In my voyage many things came up from temptations it began and from then onwards... Expectations Comparisons Inspirations Aspirations Actions Reactions Perceptions Conditions Situations(All without commas) That's life for me as it waits for none) ooof!!! Even you lost your breath. I know i loose it almost everyday. When I was adamant to make a life for myself and live life on my terms as the halo of sincerity flashed on me and the chimes of making it MINE rang in my ears. Every time I was about to reach the zenith of my aims I was given Rejection Dejection both are difficult than any examinations in life.
Then came in seclusion and isolation... But my mother's motivation and her trust in me has kept me going and will keep me going till I reach what I saw for myself and now it my turn to show the world to my mother through my eyes. I will hold her hand and take her to my world.
To my Mom,
no matter what I do for her I will never be able to acknowledge what she has done and is doing for me.
Love you so much!!!

Creativity Stabbed !!

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder

Eyeless beauty, blind creativity, vision less spectators
Expressions cordoned, voice silenced and souls assassinated!
The blue azure suffused with sunlight and adorned with intangible feather like clouds and birds chirping fading the owls hooting. Serendipity at its best or natures call!
Alas! My heart pains to see that there is none to witness the grandeur of God. His mighty creations neglected and 'WE' not so worthy unable to patronize His works.
The noon beckons bees move out to nector flower dancing and singing the sweet song. Birds nesting their young ones, love birds cooing love songs. Sparrows flying back home making beautiful patterns in the sky. The Sun looks down upon the earth in victory and the golden earth glares back dauntless.
Oh!! There is no one yet again to savor it and feast their eyes. The roads are lonely and isolated looking like a parched heath. No motion, no commotion just trees swaying and leaves falling and being trampled.
Nobody bothers to worry about the number of deaths a plant suffers each day. With no funeral and no elegy to its name. No condolences offered. This is how 'WE' behold beauty.
The night falls in the sky is adorned with stars and the emperor of the night the Moon, but nobody credits the sun for sacrificing its light to the moon. The stars twinkle like naughty eyes. Trying to suffuse the surrounding with silver silk light in order to overcome the darkness.Yet again there is no one to romance the night. Nobody to tell, how beautiful the moon is?
And 'WE' busy with the hollow baseless things in life and fighting with oneself filling the emptiness, feeding the pessimist within them and whats left is just cold eyes, emotions lost and eyes have become dumb and fail to say anything the silence is not anymore golden and the skills of appreciation acknowledgment lost. Encouragement and motivation is devoured. And the dead soul drowned in the ocean of hollowness.

Agony within me !

Yet again...another year follows 2009 homo sapiens welcoming it in a same mundane way of partying and dancing gay abandon. Taking about resolutions and changes within self and society. How ironical yet I marvel the actor within these people...How well they mask their hollowness and the emptiness with huge talks and considerations towards the society.
In this world of 100 millions of persons I does not even form 1/4th part of it...As an individual i might be tied in many relationship, my relationship with the supreme power with the environment and with oneself.
Yet i fail to influence anyone, my existence is of no significance to anyone except my family and close kins. Even my peers left me behind and to them i am just another girl who was with them like any other. In my 20 years of life with so many feathers to my caps and laurels to my name, I feel so wasted something within says that I haven't done anything fruitful till now.
Normally I feel very contended with my self but there are times when emotions and conflicts tear me apart. I can feel the pain of heart being clawed and destroyed. My life so full of love and warmth yet i can feel the stench of hatred and lack of love. I feel so full with thoughts of optimism and feel the halo of enlightenment but at times I feel as hallow as a corpse totally eaten rotten and decayed.
I'm on a constanst combat with myself about good and evil, light of knowledge and darkness of satin, real and fake and contentment and wandering. When will I get these answers in my life
when will i experience the bliss of absolute contentment? when will I be able to travel beyond expectations ?When will I will be able to be a significant part of the world?
WHEN? WHEN ? WHEN ?